History's Greatest Tournament
Where History's Mightiest Warriors Battle — Not to the Death,
but for the Hand in Marriage of the Beautiful Truck Driver, Greg
Beautiful. Mysterious. Smells faintly of diesel and pine air freshener.
"I don't need someone to complete me. I need someone who can parallel park a 53-footer and still look good doing it."
The Greg Games operate under a sacred, unbreakable charter
Killing is strictly forbidden. Maiming is frowned upon. Mild bruising is fine. Greg doesn't want a widow's guilt on their honeymoon.
All bouts must take place within a certified 1-star (or lower) Yelp establishment. The ambiance of failure adds drama.
Greg may at any point end a match by raising one hand and saying "nope." This is final. No appeals. Greg is not a prize to be taken — Greg chooses.
The winner must write Greg a handwritten letter. Spell check allowed. Using a scribe is allowed if your hands got chopped off before 1450 AD.
Divine favor, curse tablets, shamanic possession — all banned. Greg specifically mentioned this after Merlin tried to "help" in the qualifiers.
These restaurants are bad but the staff deserve better. Any warrior caught stiffing the waiter is immediately disqualified and shamed.
Eight legends. One Greg. Let the best warrior woo.
Beautiful, brooding, and kind of a diva about his feet. Greg finds this relatable.
Burned down Roman London with righteous fury. Greg said this was "honestly kind of hot."
Conquered most of the known world. Can't parallel park a horse. Greg is unsure.
Held Thermopylae with 300 men. Showed up to the venue wearing a cape and no shirt. Restaurant health code was already violated.
Hears divine voices, leads armies at 17. Greg said "honestly same energy as my dispatcher."
Crossed the Rubicon. Tried to order a salad named after himself. Restaurant didn't have it. Very upset.
Scourge of God. Not great at small talk. Greg appreciated his intensity but said "I need someone I can bring to a truck stop, not a siege."
Speaks 9 languages, commands an empire, arrived rolled up in a carpet. Greg said "that's commitment."
Certified terrible. The health inspector visits as a formality at this point.
Industrial District, Loading Bay 4
"The floor was wet. We never figured out why. Our waiter seemed surprised we ordered food." — Yelp Review
Next to the Car Wash, Unit 3B
"There were exactly three types of food: grey, grey-ish, and 'ask the manager.'" — Yelp Review
Downtown, Unfortunately
"They had candles on the tables which was nice, until we realized it was because there was no electricity." — Yelp Review
Near the Highway, Far from God
"It smells like the sea if the sea was sad. We ordered calamari. It was not calamari." — Yelp Review
Single elimination. Double the drama.